About Jennifer Todryk
Hey there! I’m Jenn.

Things get a little loud and chaotic over here from time to time. I blame the three child beasts ... and Mike is loud too. But, I hope to bring you nothing but happiness, inspiration, good home decor and only the comfiest clothing recommendations because, who really enjoys pants .... ? And most importantly a good laugh. I hope you laugh a lot… even if it’s at my expense.

- Jennifer
September 5, 2015 | Motherhood

Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. Epic News for Parents.

by Jennifer

There is a lot of science that goes behind deciding which wine goes best with your chicken, seafood or steak dinner, but what if I was to tell you which wine would go best with the kind of day you experienced? The data is out, and studies now show that certain wines pair up best with different parenting situations and child behavior.

The world’s most renown wine sommeliers have released this list exclusively to us at Life as a Rambling Redhead. Lucky for you, we are kind enough to share this life-changing knowledge. Parents everywhere are rejoicing.

We just want what’s best for your sanity.

Listed below are the best Wine Pairings for all stages of parenthood. 

1. Riesling pairs perfectly with an explosive poopy diaper.

If your newborn baby had an explosive bowel movement, leaving your hands literally shit-stained from the yellow substance we call “poop”, we suggest chugging a glass of Riesling immediately. Riesling is refreshing, tends to be sweet and has a low acidity level. You’ve handled enough liquid that smelled of pure acid today, so kick back and enjoy this smooth, light wine that usually possesses the smell of apples. How lovely.

2. Chardonnay goes great with a middle schooler’s attitude adjustment.

If your middle-school child, let’s call her Megan, gave you non-stop attitude today and yelled the words, “You’re the worst parent ever!” or “Why can’t you be cool, like Addison’s mom?!” then you would most likely benefit from a good buzz. We recommend Chardonnay for your drinking pleasure this evening. Chardonnay has been described as tasting sweet like various melons and has a subtle creaminess. Subtle creaminess sounds divine. Megan’s insults sound annoying.

3. Choose Sauvignon Blanc when you feel like the walls are caving in on you.

If you were stuck inside all day with a toddler who did nothing but throw every toy in his playroom and whined about absolutely everything, then we recommend enjoying one, possibly two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. This wine has been said to have an earthy taste, such as bell peppers or freshly mowed grass. Drinking something that smells of fresh sod will surely help you forget the painful memories of toy trucks being hurled at your face or being bitten by a small baby beast who wants nothing more than to see you cry.


Order now from Amazon here: W(H)INE.

4. Pair a Merlot with child terrorism.

If you have multiple children, and all of them decided to act like freakin’ lunatics on the same day, then you need something that goes down easily. Something easy to gulp. We suggest a Merlot. This wine is referred to as an “introducing” wine to novice wine drinkers since it is smooth and light. We are very aware that you are not new to drinking wine, but tonight is not the night to jack around with a dry wine that forces you to drink slowly. You were assaulted by multiple child terrorists today and you’re still alive to complain about it. Drink up warrior.

5. Pinot Noir goes well with dented or scratched vehicles.

If your teenager was involved in a minor “fender-bender” today (aka – she backed her new car into your car that was parked in the driveway) then we recommend a Pinot Noir. This wine is very delicate and fresh, unlike your daughter, whose sole purpose in life seems to be attempting to destroy all of the cars you own. The tannins in this wine are very soft, making it the opposite of bitter. Nobody needs a dry wine when their daughter is constantly participating in a real-life game of bumper cars…. you’re already bitter enough, thanks to her.

6. Cabernet Sauvignon pairs perfectly with poor hygiene.

If you find yourself covered in baby vomit, human waste, or toddler boogers, then you need to drink wine that will, for a brief moment, make you feel like royalty. We suggest drinking a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. This wine has been deemed the King of Red Wines. It’s dark, rich and is said to be best paired with a decadent, juicy steak. When one is covered in foul bodily fluids, they do not have the time nor the desire to grill a steak. Thank goodness drinking wine does not take much effort. Forget the steak, and grab your best crystal glass to have the ultimate royal experience. And change shirts immediately. Queens and Kings don’t sip wines with crusty nose goop adhered to their clothing.

If you’re unable to invest in any of these suggested wine choices, there is always Boone’s Farm and Franzia waiting for you at your local, disgusting 7-eleven. There is no scientific data behind these two wines, but we are very confident that they will get the job done.

Forget about the dishes, laundry or wasting precious “me-time” on bathing. Have a glass of wine with someone special – preferably your spouse, since that special person helped you create these cute but horrible monsters that drive you to drink.


Make sure you’re following my Facebook page for all of the updates!
FullSizeRender (62)

– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.

SEE PART TWO: Breaking News: 6 More Wines That Pair Well With Your Child’s Crappy Behavior. 


(just in time for Mother’s Day….)

Please Note: The little boy pictured in the photo above is not actually crying. He’s an extremely well-paid model for the blog. We don’t go around making babies cry to get a good picture; this is his “Monster Scream” which he does on command.

Follow Life as a Rambling Redhead on Facebook for more humorous and bluntly honest parenting posts like this.

Or subscribe so you never miss a new post! Follow on TwitterInstagram and YouTube!

If you have children, then you’re probably sick and don’t even know it: 8 Signs That You Are Suffering From Parental Disorder.

Top 6 Wines That Pair Best With Your Child's Crappy Behavior - Life as a Rambling Redhead

This post and all other content on this site is copyrighted. Please ask if you would like to syndicate on your website or blog. Thanks! See Terms and Conditions.

Leave a comment

  • Whiskey helped me through your "bumper car" days.....there were several, remember? And I believe your mother has consumed all 6 of the above in one day.....yes, I believe it was June of 92
  • I am living proof that Sauvignon Blanc is perfect for when the walls are caving in on you. Can anyone say baby daddy problems?? *chugs down the whole bottle in the interim of dealing with a crying baby and BD's obnoxious arguments* Thanks for the laugh! xoxo Madison
    • Hilarious! When I saw the name of your blog I knew you would instantly be a fan of this post! haha enjoy the weekend! - and wine.
    • Rose.... hmmmm I'm thinking this would go best with potty training. Roses smell great, pee or poop on the floor does not. Are you potty training? Or maybe your child just stinks? -both sound good for Rose to me haha
  • #4 FTW "Drink up warrior." Love it.
    • Mama warriors gotta stick together. And drink together on occasion! Glad you loved it! Thanks for commenting :)
  • I'm pretty sure this is the best thing I've read all damn weekend. Especially since we had the most ridiculous explosive poo-poo diaper today. And.....pouring wine now!
    • I hope your wine was ever so smooth and enjoyable Mama! Cheers! (And I'm right there with ya on the poopy diapers.... I have a 7 month old!) AND a 2 year old, who's poop smells like dead things and acid. It's by far worse than newborn poop.
  • My four year old called me "poopy butt" today. Pinot noir is definitely called for.
    • poopy-butt.... the ultimate insult. I think even two glasses would be acceptable....... hahaha
    • Thanks so much! Making my way over to check out your blog later today!
      • From one Red-headed mom to another; cheers!
  • That is awesome. Finally a wine list I cab use. I can say that wine in a box any flavor works well after a long car trip with kids. If only Target would sell them with a straw hole at the top.
  • I don't have any kids, but can relate as everyone around me - friends & family - did. I frequently resorted to liberal applications of the above beverages after visits from small children. I still speak to some of the parents...
  • This is so fabulous I wish I had written it! I will definitely be pairing Chardonnay with my son's next adolescent outburst.
    • Thanks so much Cassandra! ugh outbursts are the worst, thank goodness they are cute.
  • New Parenting Level Reached Points Earned: 1 Billion I gotta do a last-minute shopping run, scuz me....
    • haha thanks so much! 1 Billion points? I've clearly outdone myself.
  • I cracked open the Rioja Sunday lunchtime after my 3 year old twins decided that a full volume chorus of singing about poo was appropriate during prayer at church
    • As the mother of teenage twins, I can tell you that that too will pass. And as I told mine today at dinner, revenge is a dish best served cold. In the form of grandchildren. As I outlined my plan to revisit everything I've done to and for them on their own children the look of sheer panic settled onto their faces.
    • My 7 month old can NOT keep it down in church.... she doesn't sing about poop (which is amazing....) but if my 2 yr old were to sit with us in church, he may try to bust out a tune.
  • I'm planning g to apply these wine pairings for dealing with my 4 adult children! They will always be my babies!
    • Kimberly, I must say I don't have teenage daughter's yet! Not my area of expertise. But if you stick with me for a few years, then I will absolutely have teenage drama comin' at ya like it's hot.
      • For teenage daughters I can PERSONALLY recommend a Cabernet-Syrah blend! J P Chenet do an excellent one. The smooth velvety tones sooth the troubled brow and after two to three glasses, teenage daughters tend to fade into blissful insignificance.
    • Teenage years? Oh lordy, that's where the hard liquor comes in :-D
    • Whiskey. All the whisky. Signed- An adult who gave her momma hell :-)
  • Tonight we are pairing cab sav with 'daddy took big sister goose hunting and I had to stay home, so mommy gets to play games with me'.
  • What do you think would go good with stepping on a Lego brick?? or should I skip the wine and go straight for the Bourbon
    • Gotta be Wild Turkey!
  • I love the sentiment here...as a SommMom I'll put in some pairing suggestions: I like the Riesling, but it is high acid so if you want sweeter and lower acid go Gewurztraminer or Moscato - the florals are incredible for covering poopy smell (better than Febreeze baby). Switch out that Merlot for some Zinfandel - you get higher ABV and lower tannins covered in so much fruitiness so you can really chug it down. Bravo RedHead.
  • As I told my friend, who posted this link to my FB page: the wine that pairs best is: whatever is open! We need speed, here! If nothing is open: choose a screw top! (Moms who need wine club from CA Wine Company has some excellent ones!) No need to futz around with the cork screw in an emergency!
  • What about when the in-laws visit? What goes well with whiny, needy niece and nephew and the spouse's sibling that pretty much ignores them all freakin day long while she hangs out on facebook? My thought is whatever wine is closest!
  • I love the note about the picture. My toddler girl will do the same "dragon" face on command.
    • Amanda, I felt like I needed to post that so it didn't look like I was cheersing my son in the middle of a temper tantrum! haha
  • Margaritas are perfect for temper tantrums. As far as the inlaws, go straight to hard liquor!
  • So what about Moscato? I think it might be a good one to pair with... well, everything else!
    • oh yes, Moscato is a great choice! For everything else in life. Step on a metal toy truck causing you to curse out loud in rigorous pain? - Moscato.
  • "and Franzia waiting for you at your local, disgusting 7-eleven". I just snort-laughed.
  • Ha! Love it. I think I may have to have some sort of liquid degustation at the end of today :-)
  • I dislike blogs but you may be changing my mind. Cannot get through this motherhood thing without laughs and wine, lots of wine
    • Oh Beth, I hope I can change your mind! To be honest, I had never read a blog before I started writing one 2 months ago (shhhh, that's a secret.) So I totally get where you are coming from. Hopefully, I can at least be good pooping material for you.
  • what about the 12-16yo days where they know everything, done everything and hate you the most untill that is when they want something....
    • Sean- to be fair and honest, I don't have a 12 year old yet. But I've had people asking about Moscato, so I think this wine would be appropriate. Or whiskey. either one. (Drink Responsibly.) :)
  • What varietal goes with moody-as-all-hell-for-no-apparent-reason teenager who's only expression is to roll her eyes, and who only ever complete tasks "in a minute" (which is actually usually an hour and three prompts later)?
    • Deborah- To be honest, My kids are not teenagers yet. But a few people have been asking about Moscato, so let's try that next time your teen wants to act like she's emotionally unstable. Please keep me posted on the results....
  • Fantastic article- Personally I think today is more of a Pinot Noir Day for me. I am definitely your newest fan and can't wait to share!
  • I needed that laugh this morning. I have 6 kids at home. Potty training almost 3 yr old active boy. 3 tween girls, ( ugh!) 13 year old girl and a 16 year old boy. What is it called if you mix all wines in a glass?
    • So glad you enjoyed it Nikki! I'd call that a glass of "Mommy's desperate". and that's fine.
  • It all makes sense now! I am a champagne loving, former Nanny and a non-mom. The excitement of "popping corks" and sipping "bubbly" is obviously replacement therapy for the wild adventures I don't have with children! Drink up, buttercup~
  • It all makes sense now! I am a former nanny, a non-mom and a champagne drinker. The excitement of "popping bottles" and sipping bubbly is obviously replacement therapy for "Adventures with Offspring"! Drink up, buttercup~
  • Ok this was too damn funny. Snorting Rioja all over my damn keyboard!
  • Love it. I don't generally post the blogs of others (no reason other than I don't read many haha!) but your post inspired me. I give you full credit and a ping back of course...here is my take on your complete and total brilliance. (**channel the "i'm not worthy! i'm not worthy!" wayne's world moment here....) https://thesweetfamilylife.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/a-post-from-someone-else-about-wine-and-kids-and-my-own-variation-on-it-all/
  • (and feel free to delete the link. not trying to self promote by any means but wanted to make sure you get a giggle too.) :)
  • where was this when I had my kids-now 52 & 50. I'll still take a glass, thank you.!!
  • I think my favorite part of this--and I really like the whole thing--is the disclaimer about the screaming child in the photo. Ha!
  • Reblogged this on mini2z and commented: This just made my day! Bravo Life as a Rambling Redhead
  • I live down the street from Wilson Creek Winery and drink their Almond Champagne like it's water...it makes doing homework a celebration, and I'm being a good neighbor too.
  • I have 3 teenagers, 16, 15, and 13, the older two starting drivers ed..oh did I mention they are all girls! So pick any given day of arguments over clothes, shoes and the just because and I will need to drink whichever wine asap!
  • *taking notes, for that day I become a parent*
  • These same wines and "experiences" can also work when you have to deal with an adult you love with many of these same issues. Think about it.
  • Hilarious article and I particularly loved how you had to add the "no children were harmed in the making of the above photo" disclaimer
    • I'm still trying to find where my favorite scotch fits in.
      • I think my husband would be the first to say that scotch goes well with any behavior, bad or good :) So you're safe haha Thanks for reading and commenting!
  • if i were to make a video of me reading this would it be ok? i had a lot of fun reading it to a friend with official voice and fun inflections.
    • Thanks so much for reaching out to me! Unfortunately, I am not allowing other bloggers to use my original content at this time and I am working on a video myself for it :) Thanks so much for your interest!!
      • i'm glad you replied to this question...so many bloggers don't respond to this question...kudos
        • Thanks! I'm trying to respond to all comments :) They took the time to write me, so I'll take the time to write them. Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts. Kudos to YOU! haha
  • So funny. Thank you.
  • This is absolutely brilliant! Thanks for the laugh.
  • I'll never be able to remember the order...so I'll just get one of everything and hope for the best.
  • This as fabulous as that glass of cabernet I had yesterday evening after a rough day with a kid who was completely contrary, lol. I laughed my tushie off...well, not literally unfortunately :-D but thank you for the giggles.
  • Amazing. Thank you for this. I am going to go drink some Merlot now. I do believe that "2-yr-old drop kicking 4-yr-old, who then bounces his face off your coffee table - resulting in his first ER visit & 5 stitches to the face" falls under the child terrorism category.
    • This literally made me laugh out loud. Thank you for being hilarious. oh - sorry about your day. I feel like drop-kicks always lead to stitches.
    • oh my...practicing their moves at such a young age...
  • loved this--brilliant!
  • Loved this one! Several people gave this link to me and seriously, I killed myself laughing!
    • Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment! Hope there are more posts that you will enjoy :)
  • I would really appreciate this being made into a printable format for on my fridge.
    • HAHAHAHA I literally laughed out loud! I give you permission to print this. For the refrigerator's sake. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! Glad you enjoyed :)
    • Thanks so much! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and then letting me know that you thought it was perfect hahaha I'll take that ANY DAY!! :)
  • Now, more than ever, I feel we are united as moms! I love me a nice, tall glass of wine! I'm a working mom of two, a 2 yr old and an almost 3 month old, and times get rough! We're in the beginning stages of potty training and I'm about to return to work from a long maternity leave. Wine is a necessity!
    • Girl, you are a SUPERMOM! Your kids are so close in age! Probably even closer than mine are! (20 months) I've been breastfeeding, so I haven't had a lot of wine, but I find myself drinking more lately as my son gets closer to the age of 2.5 haha Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! MOMS UNITE. (with wine... duh.)
    • I mean, it's proven science. :) Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
  • So which one goes with the homework headache hour?
    • oh man, I have yet to experience this dreadful homework hour that you speak of.... but I would think pinot grigio would go down nicely. Or make the husband assist the child, that's always an option! haha! I plan to do this when it comes to the math homework :)
  • I would add, that champagne and G&Ts fit in nicely with most situations involving my kids (and wife).
    • I always thought champagne was for celebrating.... but maybe not?! haha good idea!
  • This so made my day. One time I actually sat in my car drinking wine from the bottle, hiding from my high-school freshman and her angst. I had to gird my loins for battle.
    • So glad you enjoyed it!! :) Ugh, I have not experienced the teenager stage yet, and I am not looking forward to it haha With young kids I find myself leaving the house to get more sugary coffee drinks - so I can keep up! Thanks for taking the time to read my post,and comment. ...hopefully there ae more posts on my site that you can relate to!!
  • Brilliant! I once was playing around with my little boy (he was 4 at the time) and hugged him tight saying "I'm going to squeeze you and squeeze you until all the juice comes out!" - he immediately turned round, hugged me back and said "I'm going to squeeze you and squeeze you until all the wine comes out!" That tells you something about my parenting/wine drinking habits...
    • Bhahahaha this made me laugh out loud! Kids a so smart! The things they say could fill up a blog lol hilarious. Thanks so much for taking the time to read as well as comment! - telling my husband this story!
  • Haha! Chardonnay: because it's sweet. You know, the way your daughter used to be. This is great! Bravo!
    • Thanks so much Niki! I'm not to the teenage years with my kids yet, but I imagine they will be dreadful at times! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment :)
  • So where would a dry mead fall on this list?
    • Jason, that would be for when you're waiting for the bail bondsman to process your teenager...
  • This is the best post I've read in a long time!!! Loved it!
    • Thanks so much Rachel! So glad you enjoyed :) Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
  • Hello redhead! I am a strawberry blonde mom to one blonde girl who has definitely tried my patience many times. And if I had a dollar for every evening I wanted a glass of wine, I could probably buy a vineyard. Thanks for this light-hearted list!
    • Hahaha! Hello! So glad you enjoyed and can relate at times.... Thanks for reading :)
  • You really should come up with some pairings that relate to, not only our little terrorists, but our cranky husband's too!! Lol
    • I said this to my husband!! He was not pleased hahaha
  • I have a "parenting survival tips" board on Pinterest. This baby is a welcome addition. Love it!
  • Love this so much too funny. I would have downed a bottle a day of Riesling with my son lol
  • This speaks to me! lol I've been running weightloss and fitness groups online for almost a year now.... and my next one is all about wine LOL... we're pairing wine with all of our "meal plan" meals lol... ALL OF THEM lol
  • I just came across this article and it is hilarious. Thanks Jenn, for reminding us not to take things too seriously. I thought I would have a glass later today, but now I know exactly how to pair it with my child's behavior.
  • Jenn, this is hilarious!! Saw it on fb and remembered you talking about it on Sunday night at dinner. You're a celebrity! It was great to meet you and your hubs. Keep up the good work and hopefully we'll meet again. Best, Wendy
  • While we often talk about wines and drinks which will go well with our food and which our friends and colleagues will relish, we often forget that many of us have young kids and babies to give us company in our drinking, though not in the literal sense of the term. Here is a look at a few such amazing drinks which will go well with parents who have some not so obedient and disciplined kids to take care.
  • Winding and dining with crappy and disturbing kids can be a big spoiler. But, believe me, there are some wines which are known to be perfectly suited for those parents who have trouble taking care of their kids.
  • This is a nice topic for Child’s Crappy Behavior.As a father i need more article on this topic.