About Jennifer Todryk
Hey there! I’m Jenn.

Things get a little loud and chaotic over here from time to time. I blame the three child beasts ... and Mike is loud too. But, I hope to bring you nothing but happiness, inspiration, good home decor and only the comfiest clothing recommendations because, who really enjoys pants .... ? And most importantly a good laugh. I hope you laugh a lot… even if it’s at my expense.

- Jennifer
October 21, 2015 | Motherhood

To My Child I Never Met.

by Jennifer

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The two extremely blonde babies you see in the picture above are mine. They are my little “baby terrorists” that I love more than anything in this world.

What most people don’t know about me is that I have another, a sweet baby that I never had the pleasure of meeting.

I guess you could say that this is my deepest secret that only my closest friends and family know about. It’s not exactly everyday conversation material. I could say that this is a rare and unique situation that has only happened to me, but that’s not true at all. Miscarriage affects so many women, more than I ever thought. It’s amazing how many women come out of secrecy and talk about it with you, once you start sharing your personal story. At least that is what I have experienced.

I didn’t write this post specifically for October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts since before I even took my blog public.

But what a great time to share my story.

As I sit here, about to hit the big blue PUBLISH button, something that is still scary even though I have been publishing my thoughts for a few months now, I am nervous to share my story. Negative thoughts make their way into my head, People don’t want to read this, they want humor stories, This is sad and depressing…. but this is real. Even the most sarcastic “jokesters” like myself, experience things in life that leave them empty and emotional wounded.

I don’t want to share my story of how my miscarriage went down, some things don’t need to be relived, I just wanted to share a letter that I wrote many moons ago.

So here is my little letter, to my child I never got the chance to meet.

It was March 8, 2012 when I found out that you existed. I will always remember that morning, a woman never forgets the very first time she finds out that she is pregnant. It’s a surge of energy that can never be duplicated. It’s the first time. The feelings and thoughts are indescribable.

You were planned. You were wanted. You were wanted before you were even alive. I remember crying to your Daddy after three months had passed without getting pregnant. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Little did I know, miracles take time.

My heart wanted you more than anything.

You were only part of me for a little less than three months, but that didn’t matter. It only took five minutes for me to fall in love with you. (I needed five minutes for the news to sink in!) From then on you were my baby. You had a perfect face that I worked so hard to envision, you had an identity, a personality, a purpose. You were mine.

In just two to three short weeks, your Daddy and I were hopefully going to find out if you were a boy or girl. We had our top names picked, but had not yet come to a final decision. I wanted to get to know you better before choosing. I wanted time to stew on it, feel your kicks, your energy, hoping that I would just know what your name should be.

Every day was consumed with thoughts of you. I couldn’t focus at work and I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited. I wanted everyone to know of your existence. I told family members, co-workers, and I loved telling random strangers in store check-out lines that I was expecting. I was a mom and I just wanted everyone to know.

I’ll never forget the night it happened. How it happened. How I tried the best I could to keep my emotions in, due to the fact that I was in a public setting when I realized that you were gone.

I’ll never forget the female doctor in the emergency room who told me that I would be okay because I was so young, as if my age made it less significant. She was so cold. The room was cold. I felt alone even with your Daddy holding my hand beside me the entire time. I felt so empty.

I didn’t want to be empty.

You were supposed to be okay. You were my first baby. You were supposed to be in all of our family photos adorning the walls of our house. You were supposed to have a name. People were supposed to love you.

I know God gets to have you now. In reality, you were never really mine, but always his. I do believe everything happens for a reason. It’s all part of God’s bigger plan. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. You taught me what real, raw, true emotion felt like. For the first time, I was truly sad.

Your brother, Von, would not be here if you had been born, so in a way, you gave him life.

Everything happens for a reason.

I love you. I always have and I always will. I think about you more than I probably should, but I am just curious by nature. I am excited to have something extra special to look forward to. For when I die and go to heaven, not only will I meet my Creator but I will get to meet you as well. I know you will be as beautiful as I have made you out to be in my thoughts and dreams.

So here’s to you my sweet angel,

My child I never met.

For those who have experienced loss, my heart goes out to you. Even though the miscarriage is over, we’re never really over it. The good news is, you are not alone. We all have a story. A sad story that brings us to dark places that no one enjoys being in.

I challenge you to find the good out of your story, whatever it may be. Through my miscarriage, I experienced real pain. Not the pain of a stupid college break-up (what I had considered “true pain” previously) but the loss of something so much more meaningful. I matured instantly, I never blamed God or took my anger out on others. I picked myself back up with the help of family and lots of prayer. I gained an entirely new outlook on motherhood and I only hope that I am a better mother to my children because of it.

Everything happens for a reason.

It was all meant to be.

– Until the next time this Redhead rambles.

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Leave a comment

  • WOW!! You handled that situation perfectly Jenn, I was, and continue to be, extremely proud of you!! This post was beautiful. I love you Daughter....and am very lucky you are mine!! Dad
    • Awww, your dad sounds pretty great Jenn! I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of your family functions! :)
  • Wow, Jenn, this is touching.....thanks for sharing....it will bless many, I am sure. ?
  • Such a beautiful tribute to your little angel! Thanks for sharing your story! My heart breaks for you and so many other woman who have gone through similar stories. Hugs!!
    • Thanks so much Sandy! Thanks for reading :)
  • Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.
  • Thank you for sharing this story. People don't like to share the hard stuff but I think it is brave when you do. I suffered from really bad PPD and opening up to people with my story was hard but I am so glad I did it. I love your blog!
    • Thanks so much Allison. This was not easy for me to post, but I am so glad I did after seeing the response today. It's so sad that this has affected so many women :( But good comes out of it! This I believe! Thanks for reading!
  • Thank you for sharing - I also suffered a miscarriage and it was one of the worst times in my life. For me it is one of those things that happens and you lock it in a box and try not to think about it - that was the only way I could move on.
    • Shannon I didn't talk about it much either but talking about it feels good! Thanks so much for reading and I am so sorry you had to experience loss as well. :(
  • Oh, sweet friend- what a beautiful tribute to your angel. People do want to hear your story- and they NEED to hear it. This is your space. You work hard to keep it happy and light and fun. (I've definitely taken a page from your book and tried to put a more comical spin on the tough since my mother in law has asked me twice if I'm PPD. Nope- just being real- maybe too real, haha ) But it's yours and people read because they (mostly) have found camaraderie with you, so if this is where you need to share the hard, your readers are here with you. It's what I've grown to love about blogging.. Praying for you today, that you find comfort and peace and love in sharing, and that your story will be received well. Way to go! Love your words!
    • Thank you SO much Kate for these sweet words. I don't think anyone could ever be TOO real! Thanks so much for reading and I am glad that you can relate to what I have to say, that is wahy I started this bloggy business, to reach out to women who are in my same mommy-boat :)
  • This is beautiful. I've started letters a hundred times, but couldn't put it into words. I've thought about her a million times. Thank you for putting this out there. It really does need to be said that we are not alone and they are more than just a "miscarriage." They are our babies. However briefly we carried them in our bodies, we carry them forever in our hearts. ❤️
    • Beautifully said! I always carry my first baby :) So glad you could relate and I am so sorry that you too have experienced loss. It's horrible, but I do believe amazing things come from it! Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me, I always appreciate this!
  • Thank you for sharing. My loss was also my first child, and like your story, his brother wouldn't be here if he had been born. Loss can't be helped, so I continue to thank my first little one for helping his brother safely to this world. Your mention of how cold the nurses are and how they tell you you're young resonated with me. It certainly doesn't make it hurt less, and is dehumanizing. It's hard to bring these things out of the shadows. No one sees me as a mother of two, of course. But I do. I am saddened by these stories, for the losses women have experienced, but also encouraged as more and more women open up and let this side of life be known. Thank you for your vulnerability.
    • Sarah, so sorry you also had to experience loss :( It's never easy, no matter if it's your first baby or how young you are! When ppl say things like this it is just obvious that they have never experienced the pain and don't know the right things to say. I've been through it and I still don't know the right things to say! Thank you so much for your kind words, they give me much confidence! and thank you for reading my thoughts, I will always appreciate it!
  • Thank you. For the real. Always xx
  • I still remember the nurse saying the same to me, you're young & then gave me the 1 in 4 and you have a baby at home. I was so, I wanted this baby! I had a "missed" miscarriage that time. Then we got pregnant with my daughter, then we weren't & then we found we had lost her twin. But if it wasn't for that angel baby I would have my Se. She told me that her twin was a sister and her name was Cheyenne? It's hard topic but I'm glad I talk about it and thank you for sharing. Kristin mini2z
  • Excellent post! It is good to see another aspect of you and your writing skill.
  • Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this. So many women hide their stories about their miscarriage that it doesn't seem as common as it actually is. I had a terrible experience with a doctor who made my miscarriage out to be no big deal. She made it sound as if everyone has one and even said some of the women in the waiting room will come in the office in a few minutes and get the same news. My baby was wanted more than anything I have ever wanted in life and losing the one made me fearful to try for another. My first pregnancy was high risk so I felt like maybe I wasn't meant to have another beautiful child who would call me mom. Well with a lot of prayer and support I was able to move on and we did end up having another. I'm so glad I didn't let that doctor discourage me because I wouldn't have the joy I now have with my precious son. It's still hard to see friends who I knew where pregnant at the same time I was when I miscarried because I can't help thinking that their child would be the same age as my precious angel. Now that I am more healed from the emotional pain, I help women who share the news of their coming miscarriage or with a recent one. I now use that pain to help heal another and show that there is life after miscarriage and you can have a healthy pregnancy after a loss. You sharing your story helps others heal. It helps others remember that we will see our babies again. We can move on without guilt and love another child with as much passion as we loved our unborn child. Thank you again for your courage and for being real when you didn't have to.
  • Big hugs - you'll never forget the baby you carried & never met. I lost babies 4 & 5 , both around 13 weeks, in 2004 (27/4 & 23/8) I'll never forget them, the miscarriages & their due dates. Time has passed, memory is still clear but I'm not in floods of tears anymore on the death dates. I have since had two more babies born in 2005 & 2007. They are beautiful. I do believe though that even though my angels were wanted time wasn't right for them to be born and I have since been blessed with my young lads. I, too, have been amazed by the amount of people who have been similarly affected & it is reassuring to know that you're not alone.
  • My cousin lost a child and it was an awful thing to watch her go through. I think talking about it is such an important part of the healing process.
  • Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's hard to share but think about how many women will not feel alone reading your story. My sister lost her son at 6 months pregnancy. We were pregnant at the same time, she was 3 mo. ahead of me. It was devastating, it still is. I was so afraid that his would hurt our relationship but instead it made it stronger. Thank you again for sharing your story, your "scars" may help heel other's. Many blessings Maya www.healthymominabusyworld.com
    • Thank you so much for your kind words. And that is awesome that you and your sisters relationship became stronger! She is very strong! Thanks for reading :)
  • Incredibly touching. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. There are so many people out there who try to forget about it, but everyone needs to grieve and I think this is a wonderful way to do it.
    • Thanks so much Lindsey. Thanks for taking the time to read and for your kind words!
  • Thank you for sharing this emotional journey! Your babies are beautiful and such a blessing!
    • Thanks so much Whitney! They are two little beauts! I couldn't be more happier than with the life and babies I have now that's for sure :) Thanks for reading!
  • How raw and moving. Thank you so much for being so brave in hitting that "Publish" button! I just wrote about infertility yesterday, and I was taken aback by so many who responded who either couldn't conceive or had lost a child themselves. I am pregnant with my first, and these fears are certainly in many of our hearts as mothers who really desire children. Thanks for sharing!
    • Congrats on the successful blog post and your pregnancy! Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I am very glad that I pushed the publish button as well, I definitely have a new-found confidence because of it!
  • THis is incredibly personal and beautifully written. I'm glad you shared this side of yourself.
  • This was so heartfelt and beautiful! Absolutely amazing.
  • What a beautiful letter. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I truly believe you will meet your child one day!
    • Me too Kristen! Thanks for the sweet words and taking the time to read. Seriously means a lot to me! :)
  • This was so beautiful. I lost my son at 29 weeks last year and will always wonder what might have been. A year later we had a beautiful little girl. God's plan is not always what we want but there is beauty in the mess. Thanks for sharing! Brittany www.BeckyandBrittany.com
    • Thanks so much Brittany. I am so sorry for your lose, it's devastating. But meant to be! So happy you have your sweet little girl now :) Thanks for taking the time to read!
  • What a beautiful expression of love!
  • You have just the right way with words to describe these emotions. Thank you.
  • Found your blog from the Target mommy group one where i laughed.. then read this one where I cried. Both are wonderful. I just experienced my 3rd this year. Lost on 1/14. 4/12. 10/16. I love the beauty in your letter to your baby. I think doing that will be a balm to my broken spirit and healing. I thankyou for this idea. I also long for the day where I meet my Heavenly Father and meet my 3 babies. I have a hard time hearing "at least you have one child" (my second miscarriage happened on her birthday!). I am blessed. I thank God daily for my sweet daughter. She is His promise to me. But I also miss my other babies. It is an instant love. I pray for my child's salvation and look forward to the day the 5 of us are together as a family. Thankyou for you blog.
    • Joy, I am so so so sorry for your losses... I am speechless, I can't even imagine what that is like. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, that's for sure. It's not our plan, after all :) I am so glad you found me as well! I normally don't post pieces like this, this was WAY outside my comfort zone. I am very happy as a humor-sarcastic-uplifting blogger ha! At the end of my stressful days I just want to laugh, so when I can be that for someone else, it makes me feel so great. But I throw a few serious - what I call "feels goods" into the mix from time to time. Glad to see that you like both types! So nice to "meet" you Joy! Feel free to reach out to me anytime!